Friday, August 13, 2004


I sit here and I wait for you, silently. I know that you will not come. I know that I will be sitting here, alone, forever. Yet I cannot help but sit and wait. It doesn’t make any sense. I never claimed that it did. But I did feel that I was not this stupid. Yet here I sit; here I wait. All around me there is pain. Everyone feels their thing so deeply that it hurts me inside to be with the others. Especially when all that I want to be is with you. I gave away my power. At some point, and I do not know exactly when, I gave my power up. I said that I was not worthy of holding onto my heart myself…I needed you to carry it for a while. And guess what? You did. For about 3 seconds. Then you turned out just like everyone else. I thought you were special; I thought you were unique. But boy was I wrong. I am disappointed in you. I thought you were worth more. I thought I could trust you to take care of me. How stupid am I?? My world has completely been turned upside down for something that is not even real. And to tell you the truth, you really aren’t even that great. You are kind of irritating. Unable to carry on a conversation like a normal person. You are just as afraid as I am. That’s why you have made the choices that you have. You are just a scared little boy who doesn’t know how to deal with day to day life. You have to turn to ugly, sick, perverted things simply because you are empty inside. We could have at least had a friendship. But, no, your insecurity forced you into denying that we had something good. You don’t even know how good you could’ve had it. And now you will never know. You are small and you are sad and you will never be anything more than what you are right now. I’m actually the most disturbed by the fact that I actually listened to what you had to say to me. What the hell was that about? Unbelievable. I hurt for my stupidity. I hurt for you because you know nothing. You think doing a few drugs and moving between states has made you something special. But what you don’t know is that it has done nothing for you. You are no better now than you ever were before. You are just a big, overgrown, insecure, scared little boy. Heretofore, I shall no longer think of you. You are not valuable to me; you are nothing. Just a blip on the radar screen that is my life. See? I told you that I should not open up to you…I told you that I am better off alone. Beats being hurt by scum like you. So I sit here, alone, and know that you will never have the chance to learn from me. It is painful and it is pathetic. But it will pass. And I will be okay.

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