Thursday, January 06, 2005

Today is the Day

Today is the day that I figure it all out. It'll all start to make sense today. Right? Not so much. Today has actually been one of the more confusing days o' me. For the past several days I've had this unsettled feeling deep in the pit of my stomach and I can't quite put my finger on why. I know that a lot of things are changing for me right now and that can be disconcerting for even the most stable of folk. But I sewiously pride myself on being able to separate the shit from who I am. Like Walt Whitman said, "Apart from the pulling and hauling stands what I am." But lately I have felt as though the pulling and hauling is actually inside of me rather than just an outside force. My grandma said it's because I need to be going to church. My mom said it's because I've got too much going on in my life. My friends say it's because I try too hard to be perfect. I say it's because of one teeny weeny little element that has nothing to do with any of that but rather has only to do with the fact that deep down inside I am a giant teddy bear and yet on the outside I must maintain the facade of being something that I am not ~ which is to say that I am not strong. I am not firm. I am not "together". Well, I mean, I technically am all of those things...just not all the time. I want to be able to be weak. I want to find that safe place wherein I can fall that will allow me to melt and not worry about the thoughts and judgments of others. So, yeah, maybe today is indeed not the day, but perhaps tomorrow will be.

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