No Pictures!

When I think of what my future holds I am awed at how far I’ve come thus far. I constantly wonder what my life will be like in ten years and whether or not the choices I am making today will have a direct impact upon my future. I know that the important decisions – do well in school, don’t get too far in debt, maintain a sense of wonder and curiosity about the world – will impact me. But I wonder about the smaller choices. Is it possible to go through this life living day to day, experiencing as much pleasure and satisfaction as is possible, and enjoying the hell out of as much as I can and not have to reap what I sow? I guess as an aside my goal should be to figure out exactly what it is that I’m sowing. I don’t purposefully hurt people but I wonder if in my selfish desires I inadvertently do.

I think when I consider my future the number one thing that enters into my thoughts is how I will explain away certain actions that I’m taking today. I went several years being the “good girl” because I knew that anything can be explained away simply by blaming one’s youth. But now I am sort of past my youth and I’ve started living for me again. It’s really kind of funny, when you think about it. Someday I’ll be standing behind a podium somewhere…whether it be myself running for some office or perhaps helping someone else get elected…and I will have to answer for myself.

My other thoughts are focused on how much “good” is too much. For most of my life I have actively sought out the “pretty” in things. If it feels good, I usually do it. And I’m not just talking about sex here. I’m talking about looking at pretty things, thinking of pretty things, focusing on pretty things. Maybe that’s why I’m always so surprised when bad things happen. Maybe not “surprised” so much as just kind of pissed off.

I guess the trick is just going to be making sure that nothing gets caught on film. :P