Saturday, April 08, 2006

Mormon guide to quitting masturbation

Okay, I promise I'll stop talking about masturbation soon but this is so great I just had to share:

Steps In Overcoming Masturbation

Now granted, this came from a website for ex-mormons trying to make sense of "real" life and as they say,

We have posted this here to simply show how much control the LDS church places on individuals. Every aspect of your life will somehow be controlled by the church, invading every corner of your life, including the bedroom.

But still, this is freaking hilarious.

A few words of advice:

*Do not admire yourself in a mirror.

*Dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts.

*Never read about your problem.

*Don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER — NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind!

*It is not physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme.

*It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

*Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.

*If you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

*It may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken.

That is some fucked up shit.


gojiro said...

Number 6 is going to lead to a lot of fat Mormon ex-masturbators ...

Addie said...

ha ha ha ha - dude, thats just hilarous.... what? are we living in the 1950's again?