Saturday, December 02, 2006

I wish I had the words

I can't really explain what's going on right now because I can't comprehend it myself. Maybe it's the residual adrenaline leaving my body after a week of living on pretty much nothing but determination, caffeine, and books. Maybe it's like that feeling you get after performing when you are so freaked out and nervous beforehand that when it's finally over, you're just depressed and exhausted. Or maybe it is the fact that the entire right side of my body is betraying me today. My foot hurts I have plantar fasciitis, my knee hurts because I slipped on some ice last night and landed on the concrete on that knee, my arm hurts from residual shingles pain, and even the right side of my head hurts for whatever reason.

I don't know the exact moment that it happened but I know that I had the realization recently that everything we do is trivial. We live our lives within these little bubbles of comfort and we have no idea what's happening around us. The world has gotten a lot bigger and more sinister to me and it is no longer good enough for me to just exist going from one negligible event in my life to the next. Proselytizing is clearly a waste of time and listening to it or trying to do it myself only serves to emphasize the differences between us.

I’m just so tired and worn down right now and today is one of those days when I miss Jack so much that I can hardly breathe. I just want to curl up in bed and hide under the covers for a few days.

Let me emphasize that nothing has set this thing off. No one has done anything to hurt me or to piss me off or whatever. This is the kind of emotional state that occurs because life can be really fucked up and sometimes the realization of that is harder to handle than it is at other times. I don’t know what I need right now and I don’t know if there’s anything anybody can do to help me except maybe just be patient and try to understand that sometimes depression happens. Sometimes a person can find it within themselves to pull out of it right away and sometimes it takes a little longer to remember that you can do it. I don’t really know what makes it easier to laugh at sadness sometimes and harder to do it at other times but today is definitely one of those “hard to find it within myself” kind of days. I might just need to wallow in it and experience it so that I can get over it more quickly than if I tried to deny it.

I just have to believe that tomorrow will be better.

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