Friday, August 10, 2007


I am not a good sleeper. I never have been. I take a prescription sleeping pill almost every single night just to ensure that I will get at least six hours of sleep. I am my best at nine to ten hours of sleep but if I get a full six hours I am happy. It's not about too much caffeine or not enough exercise (although it would be good for me to lower the first and raise the second.) I've had insomnia for just about twelve years now. I probably had it before then too but because of my high school schedule I was able to sleep when I needed to instead of sticking to a set schedule.

Then I met David. The first time I met him in person I had driven to Dallas to spend the weekend getting to know him and to see my friend Emilie from Austin. I slept at his apartment that weekend and for the first time in years I realized that I was sleeping like a normal person. No sleeping pills, no waking up in cold sweats, no scary dreams, just blissful unaware sleep. I knew after that weekend that he was special and made me feel safe and the rest, as they say, is history.

He is out of town right now and Jack and I both miss him terribly. It's only for a few days but it feels like something is just not quite right. Last night was my first night not sleeping with him in the house in a very long time and let me tell you, it was not good. I think every single sound I heard woke me up. Whether it was a car driving by outside or Lola attacking door frames (cats are so weird), I was awakened.

The worst moment came when I opened my eyes around three a.m. and saw a fireman standing next to the bed. Now, mind you, I didn't have my glasses on and I am blind as a bat, but I swear I saw him standing there in his little fireman outfit with his little fireman hose. He wasn't moving or talking or exhibiting any signs of life, but he was definitely there. I have no idea how long I laid there hoping he would just go away. My heart was pounding so hard out of fear that I felt like I was going to die. I couldn't move or speak and so I felt like I was trapped inside my body and had no way out.

It was probably a good ten minutes of that before I was able to quiet my brain down enough to reason through exactly what was happening. I realized my glasses weren't on and so what I thought I was seeing was probably not real. I forced my eyes to focus on the closet door and the bathroom door in order to orient myself to my position. Because, you see, we sleep on a king-size bed. I'm used to sleeping on the right side because David sleeps on the left side but for some reason, last night I had scooched over to the left side so I was not in my normal sleeping place. As my brain slowly began to accept all of these things I realized that what I was seeing was not a fireman but was the window with the curtains and the outside light shining through.

Now I've had panic attacks before and I've even had dream paralysis before, but I've never had both at the same time. And while I understand that there's a first time for everything, I certainly hope that my first time experiencing this was also my last. There are no words to describe the absolute terror that I felt last night. It wasn't reasonable, it didn't make any sense, it wasn't normal. But it was real, or at least it was to me in that moment.

David will be home tomorrow night so as long as I can make it through tonight with relatively little drama I should be fine. I can't really explain, because I don't really understand, what it is about David being next to me that enables me to not only fall asleep but to stay that way. I miss him.

Oh, and Jack would like you to know that I have the cutest cat in the world.


fictionfiend said...

I'll come over and sleep with you.
I can even bring my strap-on if the whole penis-having thing helps. ;)

SerenitySprings said...

You're just all about providing the ladies with your company and strap-ons when the husbands are away, aren't you. You little minx.