Saturday, November 17, 2007


How long can a person go without sleep?

I know I'm sleeping because I'm still having dreams (like the other night when I dreamed that David's brother Sandy and his girlfriend came to my ESL class and got all pissed off at me because I wouldn't teach them Kirundi and when I tried to explain that this was an English class not a Kirundi class they became like obstinate children and laid down on the floor and mocked me with NAH NAH NAH and BLAH BLAH BLAH for the entire class period and the next thing I knew I was laying on a cement slab in a Frankenstine-esque dungeon lab that looked alarmingly like the Pit of Despair.) And there are other dreams so I know I'm sleeping.

But the more I sleep the worse I feel. I nap, I go to bed at a decent hour, I stay in bed for a full 8 hours, and yet I am freaking exhausted. I feel like I haven't slept in days. My head hurts, my body aches, I'm confused and forgetful and I think I might be going crazy. I'm grumpy and angry (which is also playing out in my dreams like when my Zune pissed me off and I destroyed it by banging it against the ground over and over again) and I think I might be losing my mind. I seriously cannot do this for another night! My brain hurts.

I have finals in two weeks and I can't hold a thought in my head longer than about 20 seconds right now so I have no idea how I'm going to get through exams. I shouldn't be driving because I'm so loopy that sometimes I feel almost drunk. I've got all this stuff to do around the house yet I have no energy. I occasionally find myself staring off into space at nothing at all and I think I might even be falling asleep at those moments.

I NEED SLEEP. God I need sleep. I have never felt like this in my life. I have had a newborn, have worked 12 hour night shifts while in the navy, I have been on chemo, and NONE of those things feel as bad as this. Thank god for David. Without him I would probably actually lose my mind. He is the most patient and kind man I've ever known. He might get irritated at my insane mood swings but he doesn't show it to me. He just rubs my shoulders or head and tries to help me sleep. He's amazing. And he's so good with Jack right now. Jack came up behind me earlier when I was sitting on the couch and started rubbing my head to help me relax and I know he did that because he's seen David doing it.

I am so exhausted that I just feel like crying except that I don't even have the energy for that. There has to be a point when a body just gives up. A person cannot go without sleep for this long and be okay. The past week has been the worst. I've started noticing when I stop breathing and the panic is getting worse. I've been waking up with sleep paralysis and in a cold sweat. I've woken up gasping for air and seriously felt like I was drowning. I hope the results from my latest sleep study come back really soon because this is awful. I can't get the mask until they know how much pressure needs to be applied and they won't know that until my test gets analyzed. I hope they hurry because I think my brain might explode if they don't.

1 comment:

-S- said...

Smashing it against the ground seems like the only reasonable thing to do with a Zune... Oh, wait, sorry... I thought this was Slashdot.

I hope you get your sleep back.