Thursday, December 09, 2004


This journey began about six months ago. It started with the one who reminded me of what it means to be a woman. He saw in me something that I had not seen in my self in quite some time. It ended when she came home from vacation. It was a very fast thing…a very fast connection. It ended as abruptly as it had begun.

From there I found a little slice of heaven hiding out online where no one could see my shortcomings or think of me in any other way than which I presented myself. There was no trauma; there was no stress. It was simply me being what I am best – anonymous.

Next there was a little toy. Handsome and sexy, but not too bright. He made me feel good about myself as a woman and as a mother. But then the truth became more apparent…he had abandoned them much like we had been abandoned.

Somewhere within all of this came you. I remember the very first time that I actually noticed you. You wrote me a five word sentence that ended in the word “bitch”. I knew then that you were special.

Next was the Pink Floyd/Christian comment. I knew then that I must have you. You intrigued me from the very beginning for so many reasons…but mostly because you are funny.

I’ll admit it, you stole my lunch. You took from me the very thing that I had hoped I would not have to give up. You didn’t ask for it; I didn’t offer it. It just happened. Deep inside of me I knew that you were the one.

But also deep inside was the nagging sensation of knowing that you would never really be mine. You are aloof and among the elite. I am nothing special. I mean, I am special, but probably not in the way that you need me to be.

I have nothing to offer you. What you see here is all that I am. I can bring nothing to you except for the essence of me. I do not know if that will be enough. You teach me so much and I do not know that I will ever really be able to teach you anything. Sure, I can talk about just about anything…but for how long will that be enough? You need a substance and a depth that I do not know if I contain.

I don’t want to give myself away to you, or to anyone, for that matter. Yet I feel little bits of me slipping away each and every time I speak to you. I don’t know what you see in me…I don’t know if I ever will. I feel lucky to know you, but still somehow less.

I do not know where this journey is leading me. I know that my confusion with this life grows daily. What is the point? Why are we here? When will it end?

The pain, the confusion, the dissatisfaction…it unsettles me. But it is what it is and I am what I am…a confused, frightened little girl.

I tell myself that I can be what you want…what you need. But deep down inside I know that it may all be a lie. The pain inside of my chest is threatening to overtake me once again. That roller coaster ride is slowly slipping off the tracks. The chaos that is sure to ensue will certainly be the downfall of whatever the hell it is that we have.

I don’t know if I am falling in love with you. I don’t know that with this hard heart o’ mine that I am even capable of loving.

Those 18 hours were great…some of the greatest hours of my life. I thought you should know…

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