The Price of Honesty

From the moment we are born we are taught that honesty is the best policy; we are told that liars go to hell. When we lied as children our mothers had all sorts of fancy ways to deal with us...whether that be by washing our mouths out with soap or merely grounding us from tv for a week.

When my son lies I don't really "punish" him in the traditional sense of the word but rather I try to get to the bottom of his lie. Did he lie because he was scared? Was he worried? Did he think he had failed at something?

What I've learned as an adult is that when we lie it is usually to no one other than ourselves. I lie to myself a lot, I think. I lie about what it is that I think I want out of life, what I want out of those around me, what I expect from myself.

So, recently, I decided to be completely honest with me. I was able to put on paper (or email...whatever) exactly what I was thinking. I spelled it out in very small words for myself. And then I sent it to the person it was intended for. I think it's the very first time in my entire life that I have ever actually been able to be perfectly honest about what is going on inside of me to another person - not knowing how they would respond.

I still don't know how they'll respond. So I'm waiting. I'm pretty sure that I know all that I need to know, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm being honest with me or lying to me.

So I guess the price of honesty is a tremendous amount of self-doubt and sadness. I don't know yet if I'm a better person for it or not.