Sunday, February 17, 2008


We have started the adoption dialog in our home. Jack, David, and I are very excited about where this discussion is leading and we are all ready to take this next step to fully complete our family.

Except that this has opened a whole can of worms for Jack. Every day he has new and old questions for me about his biological father. He wants to know details of the break-up and divorce, what he looked like, what the other wife was like, does he have brothers/sisters, all that jazz. I knew this day would come but I just didn't want it to be for a really long time.

I got emotionally over that situation years ago. It took a long time but it's been eleven years now since the divorce; plenty of time to work through what needed to be worked through. But now every time the questions start up I feel like I'm running this emotional gauntlet. Not because I miss him or hate him or feel anything emotional towards him as a person, but more because the pain I experienced during that time of my life is a pain that will never be forgotten and it feels kind of like a scab is being picked at ever so slowly and with each question a little blood is seeping out.

It's hard for me to understand and therefore hard for me to explain this emotional roller coaster. I feel like I could be in the same room with him now and not wish him any ill will. I could actually have a conversation with him and not feel the anger that I once did. Yet I still don't enjoy answering the questions. I have to because that's the way choice and consequence work, but I certainly wish I didn't have to.

I'm really glad my family loves each other and I'm really happy at how our relationships are working out. I just hope that having to relive the pain of the past doesn't end up hurting more than it should. Since I've never been through this before I don't know how it's going to turn out but my hope is that it's not going to be as painful as it could be. Less pain equals a happier Holly. Beer bad, fire pretty - all that business, hopefully only with less vengence.

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